Good intentions

For those of you who know me, you know that I have been on the "green" bandwagon for a while. I recycle, take my own grocery bags, try to eat local and seasonal, hang dry all of our laundry, walk or bike when possible, buy things second-hand, etc.

So, I figured that when we had a baby, we would still do those things and more. We would cloth diaper. We would move to even more organic food. We would not acquire a lot of stuff.

Oh, how I have learned.

The day we came home from the hospital I said to William, "let's do paper plates for a while", as the idea of doing dishes overwhelmed me. I even said (gasp!), "let's not recycle for a while" (we have to drive the recycling to a collection center). We used disposable diapers, which was good because she pooped after every feeding. Because family was there to help us out, I didn't want to take up space or time line drying our clothes. When you are lucky to actually eat dinner at all, then a frozen pizza with some spinach thrown on it counts as a healthy meal. And the stuff... oh my goodness, the stuff that came with this baby. I do know that we don't have as much stuff as we could have, but still...there is baby stuff everywhere and we keep buying more.

We have finally settled back into some practices that better fit our values. We are using cloth diapers (but disposable when traveling and at night). We are recycling. We are sometimes using our grocery bags, though those are forgotten more often than not. We are beginning to eat real food again, at least most of the time...though, I haven't made it to the farmer's market yet. And I still use the dryer for the laundry, cause ain't nobody got time for that line dryin' stuff right now.

But I guess this is how it goes right? There are different phases of life, times to adjust and find a new normal... you do what you can and try to show kindness to others and yourself and try to remember to stop taking this stuff so seriously.

At least babies are good at reminding you of this... cause really what else are you going to do when you see that smile...

A non-baby related post!

I actually baked.

We did not eat an actual dinner that night, but I actually baked.

Our neighbors upstairs got our mail and watered our plants while we were out of town. And in response to their kindness, I forgot to get them a thank you gift.

So instead I made them a blueberry pie.

It is not quite blueberry season yet, so I am sure it wasn’t as good as it could have been. Although as I learn to accept “good enough”, the fact that it smelled scrumptious is enough for me.

I also did not get a picture of it, but here is the recipe. The thing that I love about it is the lemon juice and zest. It adds a little tart to the sweetness and juiciness of the blueberries and cup of sugar. Also, I did a lattice crust cause it is prettier and I don’t do egg washes cause it is too much work for little payoff. (And this is easy to veganize...just substitute ghee for the butter and leave off the egg wash.)

What does it mean to parent?

I recently listened to a TED talk about expectationsfor parenting and the anxiety they can produce. While I am not sure that I agree with everything the speaker says, I know there is truth in letting go of the expectations of being a perfect parent and believing children are competent and resilient.

At one point, the speaker shares a picture of parenting section at a bookstore, commenting how you can find a never-ending list of books for how to raise a ________ child. I confess I have read many of these books and have many more stored on my fancy new kindle. I know I should probably stop reading them. But how do I stop when my vocation and occupation are all about child development and education? And what about how I find them endlessly fascinating? Aren’t those good reasons to read the books? Isn’t the problem really my expectations of myself rather than the information in and of itself? Or is there something to having too much information? How does that shape our expectations and actions? Is there a healthy balance?

...

I have been looking for ways to work through and reduce my anxiety... yoga, walking, breathing, identifying anxious thoughts before they snowball into my imagined worst-case scenarios. These are helping, but they don’t really address the fear that underlies my anxiety and slight obsession with parenting books. I am terrified of being a bad parent.

If you asked me what I mean by bad parent though, I don’t really have an answer. Is it failing my child in some undefinable way? Is it pushing her too much or too little? Is it not giving her the opportunities she needs? Is it not finding the balance between interdependence and autonomy? (I could go on.)

I think I found the response to all of this on Facebook of all places. A friend with two of the cutest, smartest, sweetest, and feistiest children I know posted something off hand about feeling like a bad parent. She then commented that at the end of the day all she really wanted for her children was for them to be relatively clean, kind to others, and able to think critically.

This made me think. What are our goals for Fiona? What do we want her to know and be and do? I keep feeling that if we have just a few essential goals, then I can have more realistic expectations and I can remember what is most important in the midst of those daily parenting decisions.

But where do we start? I want so much for her. I want so much for us.

I don’t even know its origin (excuse my whole mush brain thing), but I found this list of what children need....

·      Unconditional love and affection

·      Support

·      Respect and acceptance

·      Voice, identity, and agency

·      Consistency

·      Security

I have decided I can get behind this. This allows us the freedom to define what these look like for us and makes me feel like we are meeting her needs. I can have expectations that work for our family and not get distracted by the all of the noise out there.

So, here it is. At the end of the day I want her to know:

·      she is loved and be able to love

·      she has our support and can support others

·      she is deserving of respect and can be respectful of others

·      she has her own, capable voice and can listen to the voices of others

·      she can count on us and be counted on

·      she is safe and can be a safe place for others

It is still a lofty list, but I feel like it is more manageable than a vague notion of the good parent. We won't do it right every day, but we will show up with love and guide her as best we can. 

Mothering

It might be a surprise, but I am not a big holiday person. I like Halloween -mostly for an excuse to play dress up, and I love the Christmas season - because I have an excuse to sing cheesy songs, watch sappy movies, bake cookies, and consume copious amounts of hot chocolate. (Really, I should just live in a musical.)

Now, don't get me wrong. I love hanging out with family, eating yummy foods, and getting/giving presents. Not working is pretty good too. But other than Christmas, I just don't need a lot of holiday hype.

I have mixed feelings when I consider my first Mother's Day. After my daughter, my first thought is for all of the women out there who want to be mothers but aren't. I think about how I felt on Mother's Day after my miscarriage and before I was pregnant with Fiona...desperately wanting a child and not knowing if it would happen.

Or I think about children who have been neglected or abused by their mothers, or those who have lost a mother. I think about the mothers who have lost children and what pain they must feel on this day.

So here I sit, looking at my precious daughter, with grateful tears in my eyes, and wonder about mothering.

I came across this phrase the other day in the book "Daring Greatly": my mothering is bigger than...

The idea is that mothering is bigger than one decision or action. While this thought is extremely comforting to me, the mother who gets unnecessarily anxious about my child's long term development, I think it is incomplete.

Maybe it is the word...
Maybe it is the pressure to be the perfect mother...
Maybe it is the expectation put on women to be mothers even if they can't or don't want to...
Maybe it is me learning to incorporate this new role into my understanding of myself...

I am not sure. But I feel like on this day that we celebrate mothers, that it should really be a celebration of women, of the feminine. A celebration of nurturing and sustenance. A celebration of sacrifice and strength. A celebration of teaching and learning.

So today, I celebrate the connection I have with other women, especially those who have nurtured me through various times of my life and who have already nurtured my daughter. I thank you for all that you have bestowed upon me. I hope to bless others as you have blessed me.

Happy day of mothering to each of you.

Good enough

It was the day that we were to be discharged from the hospital. Fiona was three days old. I had just fed her and sent her back to the nursery for the last time. Will was at work. His mom was on her way to the hospital to help us pack things up and go home. I sat there in the bed in my hospital gown, scared out of my mind to bring our little girl home. At some point while I was waiting, the lady who cleaned my room came in, said "can I give you a blessing?", gave me a little slip of paper, and left. It read:

"Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up"  (James 4:10; I gave birth at a baptist hospital if you are wondering)

I started bawling.

Two months in and this parenting thing has been the most humbling experience of my life. Even though I try not to, I question almost every parenting decision. All my theories, research, book-reading, philosophies, and advice from parents I trust, get jumbled in my head. And when she is crying and I don't know what to do my heart aches. 

At first, I looked at all of this with a pessmistic attitude, telling myself "I am not a good parent. I am going to harm her in some way."

But I have been working on changing this. 

My therapist tells me to change my expectation to "good enough".

My friends tell me I am doing all the right things and to forget the books. 

My family tells me she is growing and happy and loved. 

A colleague told me that "should" is a four-letter word. 

I have been reading a book called "Daring Greatly" says, "The real question for parents should be 'Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?'

A Teddy Roosevelt speech reads, "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again."

So, I am learning to humble myself. Rather than expect perfection, I am learning to expect good enough and know that being fully engaged is actually better for Fiona and our family. I am learning to relax into this new role and look for a new equilibrium (thanks, family systems theory). I am learning to trust others and myself. I am learning to be present in the ups (watching her grow and holding her sleeping on my chest) and downs (her peeing on me at the park and us still going on a walk so that she will take a longer nap). And I am learning to remember that no matter what, we are not alone. 

 

Life with Fi

Fiona will be two months old on Wednesday, and I can finally say that I am starting to enjoy parenting. There are definitely still rough moments and days (I will be really glad when Will no longer has a night class), but the good is outweighing the bad. I thought I would share some of my favorite things about Fi... And yes, some if them are things only a parent could love!

Her expressions:

She has started smiling and has this little smirk that I think will mean trouble one day. My heart melts though when she smirks while I am nursing. She does a one eyebrow raise and an oh expression when she is surprised, and furrows her brows when Will gives her kisses. And she gives us the evil eye when we put her in her car seat. 

Her noises and smells:

I swear she has the smelliest and loudest toots ever. Will and I decided to start playing a game called "was that you or the baby?" Her other noises like her coos and grunts are much cuter and just as funny. She is also the loudest eater ever...she gets this from Will.

Her actions:

She loves kicking, hates tummy time, and thoroughly enjoys staring at lights and windows...like pretty much all babies. Most the time she will fall asleep in the car or stroller, but will fight sleep the rest of the day, ugh! (She does sleep at night, thank goodness!) She also has to have her hands in her face at all times, and will eat her fingers when she's hungry. Oh, and she can now roll to her side!

And her nicknames:

Jazz hands

Tooter

Squirmer

Stinker

Little stuff

And now for the pictures...which is what you wanted in the first place.

Parenting reflections

Random thoughts from 1 month of parenting...

*Major dilemmas - Do I dare move to (get more comfortable, grab a drink/phone/snack, put something on the TV, etc.) when the baby is sleeping?

*It is not pregnancy that ruins the body, it is the newborn stage. My posture has gone to crap and my major workout right now is rocking 8 pounds to sleep. 

*Having your power go out and living in a hotel with a 2 week old is a little crazy and requires lots of patience.

*New luxuries - showering, eating in the kitchen by yourself, rocking chairs, going outside for walks

*Grand inventions - baby swings, breast pumps, pacifiers, supplemental formula, bottles, sleep sacks with zippers, swaddles with velcro

*Thank goodness medical insurance.

*Wow, a family outing now requires a lot of stuff and time.

And, now here are some pictures...