We did it! We survived one year! I really wasn't sure about this whole parenting thing at first. But once I got a little bit of sleep and we got that first sweet smile, I figured we could keep you around.
As I look back on this first year, I am having a hard time summarizing what I have learned. Maybe we are still too close to the action to allow for deep reflection, or maybe we are still too sleep-deprived. Really, I think it is too much to put into words. I start to reflect on who you are, how much I love you, all of the things I want for you, and how you have changed me, and I just get choked up. These feelings are heavy in my heart and so much a part of me now that I am not sure if I will ever be able to articulate them fully.
So I think all I can manage for a reflection is a buzzfeed-type list of lessons learned, with less emotion and more pictures.
1. Never say never.
Aside from spanking, I have already done most of the parenting techniques that I have said I would never do. We use way more disposable diapers than intended, we let you cry it out to sleep, you eat some processed foods, and you watch the morning news.
Yay for sleeping babies!
2. I feel a multitude of emotions at all times.
Parenting means simultaneous and overwhelming feelings of love, joy, fear, pride, excitement, exhaustion, anxiety, and contentedness at all times. Which is why I am currently working with my therapist on building healthy emotion regulation behaviors so I don't explode from all of the feelings.
How can you not love that face?
3. Get used to the mess.
I can't do it all. Will can't do it all. There is only so much cleaning you can do in a day and still parent, work, eat, and sleep. There are random cheerios everywhere and the baseboards will never be clean again.
Hurricane Fiona.
4. Husbands/fathers are infuriating.
Daily, I would like to kill my husband. We are different people and parent differently. Generally this means that my way is completely right and his way is completely wrong. It also means she will be fine in the end.
William giving Fiona a frozen chocolate banana despite my protests.
5. Husbands/fathers are amazing.
Daily, I am indebted to my husband. He steps in when I am at my limit. He helps me to calm down when I have gone down the rabbit hole of "what does this mean for her long-term development". Seriously, I do not know how single parents do it.
Fiona loves her "ga-da".
6. It definitely takes a village.
I have always believed this, but now can attest to it based on personal experience. I don't care what you say, you cannot and should not parent alone. You may think that you are doing it all on your own, but that does a great disservice to the family members, friends, teachers, neighbors, community members, and kind strangers around you. It is also harmful to you and your child. We are not alone in this world, we are not islands, and we should not be. We would not have made it through this year without our village. Thank you.
Just a few members of our village.
7. I will never be the pinterest-perfect mom.
While I believe that I am fully capable of baking, cooking, sewing, and crafting everything from scratch, and that I would enjoy doing those things, they are not going to happen on a regular basis. I will pay someone else to do those things for me. Think of it as my way to support the local economy.
I could have made this cake. I didn't. It was delicious and time-saving.
8. I love the other moms who will say terrible, honest things about parenting.
Yes, I love my child. Yes, she brings me great joy. Yes, I know yours do to. But what I really need to hear right now is how you want to cry because you got everything together and were going to be on time for once and then your child puked everywhere. Or pooped, or had a meltdown, or whatever. Stop pretending it is all gum drops and rainbows people. If you agree, welcome to my mommy world. If not, keep walking. We will not be good friends.
My Memphis mom friend who sometimes screams about her children and doesn't care if the house is clean.
9. Put your mask on first.
Fiona and I have been on at least 10 flights together. I can't remember which flight it was, but on one of them, the flight attendant reminded me to put my mask on first if the oxygen masks dropped down. Our pediatrician has also used that metaphor to make sure that I was eating, drinking, and sleeping enough to care for Fiona. Most days I will still tend to her needs at the neglect of my own, but I am learning that self-care is good and necessary. It makes me a better mom and teaches Fiona about being in relationship with others.
Napping with daddy, so I can do something, ANYTHING, by myself.
10. I am who I am and that is more than okay.
As a good friend put it, I am learning to celebrate my many talents and give less f-words about the rest. I do not have the energy for other people's crap. I do not have the energy to try to make myself into something I am not. And the good news is, I no longer want to try. I am too old for that *$(#. You get what you get, take it or leave it.
Me and my girl, finding our way through the world.
