Happy New Year

This past year included lots of soul searching for a variety of reasons... constant parenting questions (clever two year-olds are both fun and lots of trouble), choices about professional next steps, wanting more meaningful ways to contribute to society, and trying to figure out how to include both more sleep and more fun in my life. 

I am learning several lessons that seem like common sense, but take a lot of work: deep breaths are very helpful, especially in the middle of toddler meltdowns; feelings are not facts and do not have to dictate my well-being; and I have agency over my wants, needs, thoughts, and actions. 

In trying to work through my feelings and find agency after the election, I came across two quotations: 

- "understand that the opposite of panic is not blithe acceptance of the situation -- it's clear-minded, positive, day-to-day action. Panic makes you do stupid shit or, even worse, curl up into a ball and do nothing. Don't tell me you have reason to panic. You never have reason to panic. You have reason to act." (David Wong, http://www.cracked.com/blog/dont-panic/)

- "We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there 'is' such a thing as being too late. This is no time for apathy or complacency. This is a time for vigorous and positive action." (Martin Luther King Jr.) 

So I am taking some actions this next year:
- deleting my Facebook account
- spending more time reading (both for fun and to educate myself)
- connecting to people by calling, writing, and spending time with them
- working prayer/meditation back into my daily routine
- getting outside more
- being present with my husband and child
- go to bed at a reasonable time each night
- getting involved with our church/Memphis community

It may not be earth shattering, but I am hoping that these actions help me move in a positive direction and feel healthier and more effective in my life.

And to close... fun pictures of my kid enjoying time with cousins!

A semi-open letter to Old Navy

Dear Old Navy,

My husband, 2 year-old daughter, and I recently went to one of your stores. I confess that I haven’t shopped at Old Navy in a long time, but my husband had a coupon, and I needed some workout tops so we went.

After my husband and I got our items, we went to check out the kids clothes. Our daughter didn’t need anything in particular, but it is hard to pass up kids clothes on clearance (because as we all know kids go from clean to covered in God knows what in 60 seconds). As I do anytime I shop for my daughter, I go to both the girls’ and the boys’ sections. And as in most stores, I quickly became angry at the differences in the clothing I found. The girls’ section had primarily flowers and animals (but only of the gentle variety), while the boys section had messages of adventure, exploration, and conquest. While this is nothing new, there were two shirts in particular that made me livid.

Seriously?!?!

We have a woman running for president. Women all over the world are leaders in business, government, medicine, communities, etc. And you create these shirts for boys and not girls.

Yes, I can and do buy these kinds of shirts for my daughter, but that is not the point. The point is that it is 2016, and we are still having this discussion about the discrepancies in the messages that women and girls of all ages are getting, and we wonder why. Well, part of it is that at 3 months, a boy is encouraged to be the future president and girls are not.

Boys are encouraged to “run wild” and girls are encouraged to wear a pretty dress.

This is not to say that there should not be feminine clothing. As much as it drives my tom-boy self mad, my daughter genuinely likes the colors pink and purple. She adores wearing a “twirly dress” so she can spin herself dizzy. But over and over again, the messages in children’s clothing are clear. And the messages matter. What we tell children everyday in their clothing and the way we react to their clothing matters.

I will say Old Navy seems to be taking strides in the right direction. For instance, I appreciate these pajamas found in the girls’ section. The pjs on the left say, “Who needs superheroes when you can be one”, and they are right next to some dinosaur pjs.

But the differences still exist. Here are a few side by side comparisons of shirts from the boys’ and girls’ sections.

For a day at the beach:

A purpose in life...

Ways to spend your day...

And my favorites… those that remind you where a woman’s true value lies… in her looks,

as opposed to boys whose value lies in their achievements…

So Old Navy, and for that matter the majority of children’s clothing manufacturers, I ask you to 1) let go of the boys’ and girl’s sections and just create one children’s clothing section and 2) create girls’ clothing with messages of leadership and power. And when you do include these messages, please don’t make each one pink and sparkly.

It is simply time to stop reducing our daughters to looks. They are worth so much more.

life and love taken for granted

I just returned from a celebration/mourning for the too-short life of a 3-year old.

This beautiful little boy, lying there in stillness, surrounded by things and people that he loved. A bottle of ketchup that he would eat for dinner if allowed, just like Fiona. Bubbles that always seem like magic and would bring a smile to his face, just like Fiona. Paint that he would smear on his hands and his feet, just like Fiona.

I didn't ever have a lot of long interactions with this little boy.... mostly just saying hi at pick up and drop off. I confess that I did not know him well. But his smile would always make me smile. He had this mischief behind his grin, the kind that always reels me in as I am a sucker for trouble makers. No matter the stress of the day, it was always a blessing to see his face and wave hello or watch him play. And it was a blessing for Fiona to have him in her life... to be able to play with and learn from this boy so full of life (after all, he was the one who taught her to climb on the table and encouraged her to try on everyone else's shoes).

His parents spoke of two things that struck me... fear and love. They spoke of how fear can stop you from living life, from interacting with people who are different than you, from getting so caught up in yourself or so uncertain of the unknown that you forget about this beautiful world around you full of amazing people and experiences. They spoke of how love can help you from getting stuck in this fear,  and help you see beyond yourself... how love reminds you that we were made to be in connection with one another and that these connections change and shape us.

I confess that I have been stuck in a world of fear lately, letting personal and professional struggles and the troubles of the world overshadow the beauty around me. Trying to get pregnant again, trying to figure out how to create a meaningful career, trying to figure out how to make a two year-old go to sleep, one of my grad school mentors passing, seeing images of floods, fires, famine, and fighting, the reality of a possible Trump administration. It can be so overwhelming.

In the midst of the grief today, I was reminded that both fear and love are powerful, but that I want to choose love more often than fear. I want Fiona to know that love wins, even when the skies are dark and all-consuming. I want that little boy and his family to know that I heard them and that his presence in my life and my daughter's life was a privilege.

Rest in peace beautiful boy.

The Laughing Heart 

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

-- Charles Bukowski

 

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I am terrified. 

My daughter loves pink, purple, and baby dolls. She loves wearing dresses and is obsessed with shoes and bags. She even likes wearing...bows. Bows, people. Then at Target the other day, she picked out a bright pink Minnie Mouse hat. There is so much pink it my house that it scares the daylights out of me.

I was never very feminine as a kid. I hated dresses and pink. I prided myself on being a tomboy and able to do all the stuff the boys did. I have since become a little more feminine, but still would never describe myself in that way. 

I was fully prepared to dress my daughter in "boy" clothes and defended her right and ability to engage in activities considered for boys. I always said that my daughter would not wear bows or frilly outfits or be afraid to get dirty. I said I didn't mind if she played princess while in my mind, I thought, "She'll never want to do that".

But I never thought she would choose a more feminine route for herself. And I feel a little anxious about it.

I know that feminism is more her right to choose for herself than the colors and clothes she chooses to wear, but I fear her getting stuck too early in one image of a woman.

I know that she loves to build with blocks and play in the dirt just as much as she likes to diaper her baby and put her night-night, but I don't want her to think that motherhood is the only option for her future.

(Side note: Can I tell you how much I hate that people tell her "You're such a good mommy" when she is being nurturing to her baby. Don't push her into motherhood if that is not her choice or teach her that only mothers are nurturing.)

I know that it is the conversations that we have about equality and equity that will guide her understanding, but I wonder what messages she is getting right now through interactions around clothes and toys.

What is a feminist mom to do? I suppose that part of the answer is accepting who she is, regardless of her personal style. I suppose it is knowing that it is broadening my understanding of what a woman can be and allowing her to define that for herself. I supposed I need to immerse myself in pink bows, stop making such a big deal about it, and get over it. 
So as a beginning of getting over it... here are some super girly pictures of my sweet and spunky girl.

Her purple pony undies and shiny pink shoes

A girl and her baby 

Bows and breakfast

Minnie Mouse hat to match her Minnie Mouse car

Beach baby

Ever since we got engaged, I have been going on the Duffy annual trip to Hilton Head Island. I love the lush green plants, gigantic sprawling oaks, tall pines, Spanish moss and marshy landscape that remind me of South Louisiana. And I love that wherever you are in the island, you can just hop on your beach cruiser bike and be at the beach in minutes. I don't know how we will afford it, but I am determined to retire there and run an old lady yoga / dance studio.

These days, like everything else, the beach is a little different. This year, we got to experience the beach through the eyes of a one-year old. A one year old who takes a few, silent minutes to observe the world around her and then takes off, ready to explore. While she enjoyed digging in the sand and wading in the water, it was her ultimate mission to put all of the sand on the beach back in the water, two tiny handfuls at a time.

I will confess that I have been worried lately about the quality of our language modeling for Fi. Have I varied my words? Is she hearing enough words? Are we extending on her communication attempts enough? Why didn't I map that particular action to words?

I found myself having these same thoughts while she was working away. How many ways can I describe the sand? What new vocabulary words can I introduce? But at some point, I stopped talking and just watched. And though I had a few terrifying visions of the tide sweeping her away, it was heaven to watch Fi at her work.

It got me thinking...why is it that mindfulness and being in the present moment is so hard? Little ones are so good at being in the moment and true to themselves. When do we stop that? When do we start caring so much about our productivity that we forget how good it feels to experience  the actual work? When do we start caring more about how we look in our swim suits than how it feels to stand next to the ocean?

Oh goodness...so much to learn and unlearn.

Here are some of my favorite beach pictures of our little Buddha baby.

Seeing the ocean for the first time

Someone did not love the bike trailer

Building with daddy

Easter musings

I almost forgot about the easter bunny. Well, I didn't totally forget. I just never found a basket that I liked, and then we went on a trip to Nashville, and then Fiona threw up at midnight in the hotel room, and then I forgot until about 5:30 pm. So Fiona got her new books and gardening tools just placed in the middle of the floor. And then she proceeded to use her claw/rake thingy (not sure what the real name is) to eat applesauce.

 

Well at least she's resourceful. 

I confess that I haven't had the energy the last year and a half to be as focused on living out my spirituality as I would like. Most days, I go non-stop until I fall into bed exhausted. It is just the life of a working mom, or maybe just a mom, or maybe just life.

Unfortunately, this means that we don't always make it to church or community events, and volunteering and serious reading/journaling have gone out the window. I know one day I can get back into these things, but at times like Lent and Easter, it makes me feel as though something is missing.

I love the combination of Lent and Easter. I love the idea that life can come even in the midst of darkness, death, and despair. I love the introspection and sacrifice that lead to a joyful celebration of resurrection. I love the transition from winter to spring. I love the rituals and practices associated with ideas that remind us of our humanity: both the broken and the redeemed.

And I miss it.

But in the spirit of Lent and Easter, maybe this is good. Maybe it is good to become more aware of your own need for connection to God and others. Maybe it is good to realize that you can only do so much and that most of it is out of your control. Maybe learning to take breaks and find Life in the day to day grind is part of what this rebirth process is all about.

So, I am learning. Learning to be still, or more likely, be present in the constant movement of a toddler. Learning to put and end to the day and say I did what I could. Learning to trust that life will keep happening and I just need to pay attention as best I can.

He is risen.

(And now for creepy easter bunny pictures and the like.)

  
Because life is incomplete without Steel Magnolias: 
Annelle: Now, you just burst through those bushes..and hop over to where the kids are, okay? 
Sammy: What bushes? l can't see shit!
Annelle: Over there.
Sammy: ''Over there.''

Egg hunting, art making, music playing, and general exploring.

                                         

An awesome art piece created by Patrick Dougherty (http://www.stickwork.net/)

  

The before and after of the big kids knocking her down in the stick sculpture. (Mama bear almost came out, but thankfully that cute guy behind her came up to see if she was okay and I melted instead.)

Life with a one year old

Will and I are enjoying life with our little/big one-year old. She is getting more interactive everyday and I am amazed at how much she comprehends and can do. She is the perfect mix of sweet, spunky, serious, and silly. She is starting to test her limits and stepping out with almost zero fear. It is fun and terrifying to watch.

Here are some our latest adventures (excluding the 5 trips to the doctor's office this month).

Going to the library

"Working" with mama

Spring cleaning

Enjoying the spring weather