It was the day that we were to be discharged from the hospital. Fiona was three days old. I had just fed her and sent her back to the nursery for the last time. Will was at work. His mom was on her way to the hospital to help us pack things up and go home. I sat there in the bed in my hospital gown, scared out of my mind to bring our little girl home. At some point while I was waiting, the lady who cleaned my room came in, said "can I give you a blessing?", gave me a little slip of paper, and left. It read:
"Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up" (James 4:10; I gave birth at a baptist hospital if you are wondering)
I started bawling.
Two months in and this parenting thing has been the most humbling experience of my life. Even though I try not to, I question almost every parenting decision. All my theories, research, book-reading, philosophies, and advice from parents I trust, get jumbled in my head. And when she is crying and I don't know what to do my heart aches.
At first, I looked at all of this with a pessmistic attitude, telling myself "I am not a good parent. I am going to harm her in some way."
But I have been working on changing this.
My therapist tells me to change my expectation to "good enough".
My friends tell me I am doing all the right things and to forget the books.
My family tells me she is growing and happy and loved.
A colleague told me that "should" is a four-letter word.
I have been reading a book called "Daring Greatly" says, "The real question for parents should be 'Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?'
A Teddy Roosevelt speech reads, "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again."
So, I am learning to humble myself. Rather than expect perfection, I am learning to expect good enough and know that being fully engaged is actually better for Fiona and our family. I am learning to relax into this new role and look for a new equilibrium (thanks, family systems theory). I am learning to trust others and myself. I am learning to be present in the ups (watching her grow and holding her sleeping on my chest) and downs (her peeing on me at the park and us still going on a walk so that she will take a longer nap). And I am learning to remember that no matter what, we are not alone.
