Parenting reflections

Random thoughts from 1 month of parenting...

*Major dilemmas - Do I dare move to (get more comfortable, grab a drink/phone/snack, put something on the TV, etc.) when the baby is sleeping?

*It is not pregnancy that ruins the body, it is the newborn stage. My posture has gone to crap and my major workout right now is rocking 8 pounds to sleep. 

*Having your power go out and living in a hotel with a 2 week old is a little crazy and requires lots of patience.

*New luxuries - showering, eating in the kitchen by yourself, rocking chairs, going outside for walks

*Grand inventions - baby swings, breast pumps, pacifiers, supplemental formula, bottles, sleep sacks with zippers, swaddles with velcro

*Thank goodness medical insurance.

*Wow, a family outing now requires a lot of stuff and time.

And, now here are some pictures...

Postpartum

I have never let myself admit it before, but I struggle with depression here and there. I know technically that it does not mean that I am weak, but I like to think that if I do the "right" things that I can control the depression and make myself feel better. I have come through it in the past by distracting myself with activities or people and going to counseling. However, when you have a small human depending upon you and your spouse for her every need, distractions don't work. And when you have major abdominal surgery, you aren't able to use exercise as a release. And when your depression comes in the form of major anxiety about your daughter, sleeping and eating stop.

I have been anxious about everything...it seems my mind will not stop. I worry about each decision we make for our daughter. Is supplementing with formula so I can skip a night feeding bad? Is she sleeping enough? Is she breathing? Am I being a helicopter parent already? Am I over/understimulating her? Why is she fighting sleep so much? And I worry about Will. Is he getting his needs met? How is he balancing work and family? How is he feeling? I wonder about how long it will take for me to get back in shape. I wonder what it will be like when I go back to work. I wonder if we will get into the child care center that we like and how she will do there. And I wonder why, when I can stop all of those worries, my brain starts in with random songs or commerical jingles (I hate all law firms and their attempts to put phone numbers into song).

After several days of only sleeping a few hours, I finally called the doctor. I am now on medication (that I probably should have been on in the first place), getting counseling, and relying on my wonderful friends and family. I am starting to feel more like myself, able to eat, sleep (with the help of medication, breast pumps, and supplemental ), and reminding myself not to worry. As my mother-in-law said, we are meeting Fi's basic needs and that is all we can do right now. And that is enough.

I am still amazed at all parents, especially the really good ones that I know. I am sure it is mostly hormones and sleep deprivation talking, but it is has been the most challenging experience of my life (and will probably continue to be). I can see the rewards shining through though...her funny sounds and expressions, her sweet milk breath on my face, watching Will give her kisses. I am finally looking forward to more (especially whenever she sleeps through the night).

And now we are three

Fair warning...this post involves labor and delivery...in other words loads of fun...

The week between when we were supposed to have our little one and when she actually came was difficult emotionally. I know that everyone was excited that she had flipped and that I wouldn't have to have surgery, but it was a bit of an emotional blow. We both felt like we had been waiting for years for this little one with all of the trouble trying to get pregnant in the first place, losing the first baby, having trouble a second time around, and then waiting the 40 weeks to actually meet her.

At first we both kind of wandered around, half getting things done, not being able to focus. After a few days of that, we both decided that we were just going to act as if we weren't waiting (as best we could). I took really long walks everyday, but other than that ran errands, worked a little, and tried to resume normal life.

We bought tickets to go to a U of M basketball game on Saturday night, and suddenly as I was making dinner before the game, my water broke...soaking my jeans and leaving a big puddle on the floor. We left soon after for the hospital, both excited and nervous for the main event.

But then, our little troublemaker made some more trouble. According to the test the nurses administered (a little strip of paper that tells you if the fluid was amniotic fluid or not), my water had not actually broken. We are still a little unclear on exactly what did happen, but oh well. William and I were both almost in tears thinking they were going to send us home to wait more.

Instead, my doctor decided that we would be admitted and start induction in the morning. I did end up having contractions throughout the evening, but it all really started in the morning. Then doctor even came in and completely broke my water (a crazy uncomfortable experience during the actual procedure and then afterwards when you are constantly dripping/gushing fluid). I had thought that I wanted to be the person who walked around during labor, but all of that liquid kept me in bed. (We ended up watching HGTV through the majority of the contractions....the little luxuries in life.)

Then, another twist... after laboring for about 12 hours, I had still not dilated even though my contractions were 1 to 2 minutes apart and getting extremely intense. So, my doctor decided to do a c-section. I thought I would be okay with that, as it was the original plan anyway, but as they wheeled me into the room and made Will sit outside while they prepared everything, I became incredibly overwhlemed. They ended up giving me extra sedatives so that I was in that weird state of consciousness where I could hear some things happen, but not really make them out and not respond.

A few hours later I came too with William by my side (thank God for him), telling me all about our beautiful daughter.

I will spare everyone the recovery details. Basically, it included pain meds, lots of people checking in, learning to breastfeed in a stupor, being walked to the bathroom, and trying to figure out how to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.

We brough our babe home on Wednesday and are learning each day how to make it on little sleep (with my rollercoaster of hormones) and trying to trust ourselves with parenting decisions. Oh my goodness, this is this hardest thing ever...and yet her little sleeping face makes it all worth it.

So...now we are three...

And a note...basically, I am not going to post here for a while, except maybe a picture or two (and baking is totally out of the question for now...I eat, feed, sometimes shower, change diapers, cuddle, and occassionally sleep...this is my plan for the next 8 weeks and probably longer). Thanks to everyone for the support through the pregnancy and our first week. Keep it coming please!!