Postpartum

I have never let myself admit it before, but I struggle with depression here and there. I know technically that it does not mean that I am weak, but I like to think that if I do the "right" things that I can control the depression and make myself feel better. I have come through it in the past by distracting myself with activities or people and going to counseling. However, when you have a small human depending upon you and your spouse for her every need, distractions don't work. And when you have major abdominal surgery, you aren't able to use exercise as a release. And when your depression comes in the form of major anxiety about your daughter, sleeping and eating stop.

I have been anxious about everything...it seems my mind will not stop. I worry about each decision we make for our daughter. Is supplementing with formula so I can skip a night feeding bad? Is she sleeping enough? Is she breathing? Am I being a helicopter parent already? Am I over/understimulating her? Why is she fighting sleep so much? And I worry about Will. Is he getting his needs met? How is he balancing work and family? How is he feeling? I wonder about how long it will take for me to get back in shape. I wonder what it will be like when I go back to work. I wonder if we will get into the child care center that we like and how she will do there. And I wonder why, when I can stop all of those worries, my brain starts in with random songs or commerical jingles (I hate all law firms and their attempts to put phone numbers into song).

After several days of only sleeping a few hours, I finally called the doctor. I am now on medication (that I probably should have been on in the first place), getting counseling, and relying on my wonderful friends and family. I am starting to feel more like myself, able to eat, sleep (with the help of medication, breast pumps, and supplemental ), and reminding myself not to worry. As my mother-in-law said, we are meeting Fi's basic needs and that is all we can do right now. And that is enough.

I am still amazed at all parents, especially the really good ones that I know. I am sure it is mostly hormones and sleep deprivation talking, but it is has been the most challenging experience of my life (and will probably continue to be). I can see the rewards shining through though...her funny sounds and expressions, her sweet milk breath on my face, watching Will give her kisses. I am finally looking forward to more (especially whenever she sleeps through the night).