I just returned from a celebration/mourning for the too-short life of a 3-year old.
This beautiful little boy, lying there in stillness, surrounded by things and people that he loved. A bottle of ketchup that he would eat for dinner if allowed, just like Fiona. Bubbles that always seem like magic and would bring a smile to his face, just like Fiona. Paint that he would smear on his hands and his feet, just like Fiona.
I didn't ever have a lot of long interactions with this little boy.... mostly just saying hi at pick up and drop off. I confess that I did not know him well. But his smile would always make me smile. He had this mischief behind his grin, the kind that always reels me in as I am a sucker for trouble makers. No matter the stress of the day, it was always a blessing to see his face and wave hello or watch him play. And it was a blessing for Fiona to have him in her life... to be able to play with and learn from this boy so full of life (after all, he was the one who taught her to climb on the table and encouraged her to try on everyone else's shoes).
His parents spoke of two things that struck me... fear and love. They spoke of how fear can stop you from living life, from interacting with people who are different than you, from getting so caught up in yourself or so uncertain of the unknown that you forget about this beautiful world around you full of amazing people and experiences. They spoke of how love can help you from getting stuck in this fear, and help you see beyond yourself... how love reminds you that we were made to be in connection with one another and that these connections change and shape us.
I confess that I have been stuck in a world of fear lately, letting personal and professional struggles and the troubles of the world overshadow the beauty around me. Trying to get pregnant again, trying to figure out how to create a meaningful career, trying to figure out how to make a two year-old go to sleep, one of my grad school mentors passing, seeing images of floods, fires, famine, and fighting, the reality of a possible Trump administration. It can be so overwhelming.
In the midst of the grief today, I was reminded that both fear and love are powerful, but that I want to choose love more often than fear. I want Fiona to know that love wins, even when the skies are dark and all-consuming. I want that little boy and his family to know that I heard them and that his presence in my life and my daughter's life was a privilege.
Rest in peace beautiful boy.
This beautiful little boy, lying there in stillness, surrounded by things and people that he loved. A bottle of ketchup that he would eat for dinner if allowed, just like Fiona. Bubbles that always seem like magic and would bring a smile to his face, just like Fiona. Paint that he would smear on his hands and his feet, just like Fiona.
I didn't ever have a lot of long interactions with this little boy.... mostly just saying hi at pick up and drop off. I confess that I did not know him well. But his smile would always make me smile. He had this mischief behind his grin, the kind that always reels me in as I am a sucker for trouble makers. No matter the stress of the day, it was always a blessing to see his face and wave hello or watch him play. And it was a blessing for Fiona to have him in her life... to be able to play with and learn from this boy so full of life (after all, he was the one who taught her to climb on the table and encouraged her to try on everyone else's shoes).
His parents spoke of two things that struck me... fear and love. They spoke of how fear can stop you from living life, from interacting with people who are different than you, from getting so caught up in yourself or so uncertain of the unknown that you forget about this beautiful world around you full of amazing people and experiences. They spoke of how love can help you from getting stuck in this fear, and help you see beyond yourself... how love reminds you that we were made to be in connection with one another and that these connections change and shape us.
I confess that I have been stuck in a world of fear lately, letting personal and professional struggles and the troubles of the world overshadow the beauty around me. Trying to get pregnant again, trying to figure out how to create a meaningful career, trying to figure out how to make a two year-old go to sleep, one of my grad school mentors passing, seeing images of floods, fires, famine, and fighting, the reality of a possible Trump administration. It can be so overwhelming.
In the midst of the grief today, I was reminded that both fear and love are powerful, but that I want to choose love more often than fear. I want Fiona to know that love wins, even when the skies are dark and all-consuming. I want that little boy and his family to know that I heard them and that his presence in my life and my daughter's life was a privilege.
Rest in peace beautiful boy.
The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
-- Charles Bukowski
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