What does it mean to parent?

I recently listened to a TED talk about expectationsfor parenting and the anxiety they can produce. While I am not sure that I agree with everything the speaker says, I know there is truth in letting go of the expectations of being a perfect parent and believing children are competent and resilient.

At one point, the speaker shares a picture of parenting section at a bookstore, commenting how you can find a never-ending list of books for how to raise a ________ child. I confess I have read many of these books and have many more stored on my fancy new kindle. I know I should probably stop reading them. But how do I stop when my vocation and occupation are all about child development and education? And what about how I find them endlessly fascinating? Aren’t those good reasons to read the books? Isn’t the problem really my expectations of myself rather than the information in and of itself? Or is there something to having too much information? How does that shape our expectations and actions? Is there a healthy balance?

...

I have been looking for ways to work through and reduce my anxiety... yoga, walking, breathing, identifying anxious thoughts before they snowball into my imagined worst-case scenarios. These are helping, but they don’t really address the fear that underlies my anxiety and slight obsession with parenting books. I am terrified of being a bad parent.

If you asked me what I mean by bad parent though, I don’t really have an answer. Is it failing my child in some undefinable way? Is it pushing her too much or too little? Is it not giving her the opportunities she needs? Is it not finding the balance between interdependence and autonomy? (I could go on.)

I think I found the response to all of this on Facebook of all places. A friend with two of the cutest, smartest, sweetest, and feistiest children I know posted something off hand about feeling like a bad parent. She then commented that at the end of the day all she really wanted for her children was for them to be relatively clean, kind to others, and able to think critically.

This made me think. What are our goals for Fiona? What do we want her to know and be and do? I keep feeling that if we have just a few essential goals, then I can have more realistic expectations and I can remember what is most important in the midst of those daily parenting decisions.

But where do we start? I want so much for her. I want so much for us.

I don’t even know its origin (excuse my whole mush brain thing), but I found this list of what children need....

·      Unconditional love and affection

·      Support

·      Respect and acceptance

·      Voice, identity, and agency

·      Consistency

·      Security

I have decided I can get behind this. This allows us the freedom to define what these look like for us and makes me feel like we are meeting her needs. I can have expectations that work for our family and not get distracted by the all of the noise out there.

So, here it is. At the end of the day I want her to know:

·      she is loved and be able to love

·      she has our support and can support others

·      she is deserving of respect and can be respectful of others

·      she has her own, capable voice and can listen to the voices of others

·      she can count on us and be counted on

·      she is safe and can be a safe place for others

It is still a lofty list, but I feel like it is more manageable than a vague notion of the good parent. We won't do it right every day, but we will show up with love and guide her as best we can.