Parenting reflections

Random thoughts from 1 month of parenting...

*Major dilemmas - Do I dare move to (get more comfortable, grab a drink/phone/snack, put something on the TV, etc.) when the baby is sleeping?

*It is not pregnancy that ruins the body, it is the newborn stage. My posture has gone to crap and my major workout right now is rocking 8 pounds to sleep. 

*Having your power go out and living in a hotel with a 2 week old is a little crazy and requires lots of patience.

*New luxuries - showering, eating in the kitchen by yourself, rocking chairs, going outside for walks

*Grand inventions - baby swings, breast pumps, pacifiers, supplemental formula, bottles, sleep sacks with zippers, swaddles with velcro

*Thank goodness medical insurance.

*Wow, a family outing now requires a lot of stuff and time.

And, now here are some pictures...

Postpartum

I have never let myself admit it before, but I struggle with depression here and there. I know technically that it does not mean that I am weak, but I like to think that if I do the "right" things that I can control the depression and make myself feel better. I have come through it in the past by distracting myself with activities or people and going to counseling. However, when you have a small human depending upon you and your spouse for her every need, distractions don't work. And when you have major abdominal surgery, you aren't able to use exercise as a release. And when your depression comes in the form of major anxiety about your daughter, sleeping and eating stop.

I have been anxious about everything...it seems my mind will not stop. I worry about each decision we make for our daughter. Is supplementing with formula so I can skip a night feeding bad? Is she sleeping enough? Is she breathing? Am I being a helicopter parent already? Am I over/understimulating her? Why is she fighting sleep so much? And I worry about Will. Is he getting his needs met? How is he balancing work and family? How is he feeling? I wonder about how long it will take for me to get back in shape. I wonder what it will be like when I go back to work. I wonder if we will get into the child care center that we like and how she will do there. And I wonder why, when I can stop all of those worries, my brain starts in with random songs or commerical jingles (I hate all law firms and their attempts to put phone numbers into song).

After several days of only sleeping a few hours, I finally called the doctor. I am now on medication (that I probably should have been on in the first place), getting counseling, and relying on my wonderful friends and family. I am starting to feel more like myself, able to eat, sleep (with the help of medication, breast pumps, and supplemental ), and reminding myself not to worry. As my mother-in-law said, we are meeting Fi's basic needs and that is all we can do right now. And that is enough.

I am still amazed at all parents, especially the really good ones that I know. I am sure it is mostly hormones and sleep deprivation talking, but it is has been the most challenging experience of my life (and will probably continue to be). I can see the rewards shining through though...her funny sounds and expressions, her sweet milk breath on my face, watching Will give her kisses. I am finally looking forward to more (especially whenever she sleeps through the night).

And now we are three

Fair warning...this post involves labor and delivery...in other words loads of fun...

The week between when we were supposed to have our little one and when she actually came was difficult emotionally. I know that everyone was excited that she had flipped and that I wouldn't have to have surgery, but it was a bit of an emotional blow. We both felt like we had been waiting for years for this little one with all of the trouble trying to get pregnant in the first place, losing the first baby, having trouble a second time around, and then waiting the 40 weeks to actually meet her.

At first we both kind of wandered around, half getting things done, not being able to focus. After a few days of that, we both decided that we were just going to act as if we weren't waiting (as best we could). I took really long walks everyday, but other than that ran errands, worked a little, and tried to resume normal life.

We bought tickets to go to a U of M basketball game on Saturday night, and suddenly as I was making dinner before the game, my water broke...soaking my jeans and leaving a big puddle on the floor. We left soon after for the hospital, both excited and nervous for the main event.

But then, our little troublemaker made some more trouble. According to the test the nurses administered (a little strip of paper that tells you if the fluid was amniotic fluid or not), my water had not actually broken. We are still a little unclear on exactly what did happen, but oh well. William and I were both almost in tears thinking they were going to send us home to wait more.

Instead, my doctor decided that we would be admitted and start induction in the morning. I did end up having contractions throughout the evening, but it all really started in the morning. Then doctor even came in and completely broke my water (a crazy uncomfortable experience during the actual procedure and then afterwards when you are constantly dripping/gushing fluid). I had thought that I wanted to be the person who walked around during labor, but all of that liquid kept me in bed. (We ended up watching HGTV through the majority of the contractions....the little luxuries in life.)

Then, another twist... after laboring for about 12 hours, I had still not dilated even though my contractions were 1 to 2 minutes apart and getting extremely intense. So, my doctor decided to do a c-section. I thought I would be okay with that, as it was the original plan anyway, but as they wheeled me into the room and made Will sit outside while they prepared everything, I became incredibly overwhlemed. They ended up giving me extra sedatives so that I was in that weird state of consciousness where I could hear some things happen, but not really make them out and not respond.

A few hours later I came too with William by my side (thank God for him), telling me all about our beautiful daughter.

I will spare everyone the recovery details. Basically, it included pain meds, lots of people checking in, learning to breastfeed in a stupor, being walked to the bathroom, and trying to figure out how to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.

We brough our babe home on Wednesday and are learning each day how to make it on little sleep (with my rollercoaster of hormones) and trying to trust ourselves with parenting decisions. Oh my goodness, this is this hardest thing ever...and yet her little sleeping face makes it all worth it.

So...now we are three...

And a note...basically, I am not going to post here for a while, except maybe a picture or two (and baking is totally out of the question for now...I eat, feed, sometimes shower, change diapers, cuddle, and occassionally sleep...this is my plan for the next 8 weeks and probably longer). Thanks to everyone for the support through the pregnancy and our first week. Keep it coming please!!

The troublemaker

Will and I can both be a bit rebellious. Not in a rebel without a cause dangerous way, but in a we have to figure out things for our selves and are drawn towards different perspectives way. Will jokes about how he wants to get that phone call or talk from a teacher when our child breaks down the teachers argument or stands by her dissenting opinion. And he is not afriad to voice his own opinions and arguments; he is a rhetorician, after all. I am a little impulsive, don't like to do something simply because others are doing it or because someone told me to, and have a soft spot in my heart for those who go against the grain.

So it makes sense that we seem to have a trouble-making baby on our hands already. At 37 and 38 weeks, this girl was still breech. We had a c-section scheduled this coming week and family ready to come visit, and were just counting down the days. However, when I went in for my regular check-up today (at 39 weeks), the little rebel had flipped, changing all of our plans and doing things her way.

The c-section is now canceled, family are postponed a bit, and I am trying to prepare myself mentally for labor (and trying to move things along so that we don't go too much past 40 weeks). Oh goodness, I think we are in for a ride.

Banana bread and breech babies

I know we aren't actually parents yet, but I have decided that pregnancy prepares you for life with a little one.

I drip food on my belly all of the time, so I am ready to be covered in spit up.
I confess that pregnancy gas is the worst of all time, so I am used to some unpleasant smells.
I haven't had a solid night of sleep since the first trimester, so here comes the exhaustion.
I am uncomfortable sitting, standing, and lying down, and I get kicked all of the time, so bring on the child attached to my body all of the time. 
After all of the doctor appointments, dressing and undressing, and hands everywhere, I am ready for the lack of privacy/modesty.

I know there is more to it all, but I think we are now as ready as we are going to be. Which is good, because she could be here in about 10 days!

We have found out that she is breech, so now we are just waiting to hear about the c-section date. People have asked if I am okay with this, and honestly, Will and I both love that we will know when she is coming and can plan family visits and work a little more smoothly. (I am sure I might feel different after the surgery, but right now, it sounds like a good plan.) At the end of the day, we just want her delivered safely.

In other news, our upstairs neighbors just had a baby, so I took the opportunity to bake some banana bread. It was a wee bit gooey in the middle (because I kept getting impatient and taking it out of the oven too early), but was still pretty tasty...especially because I added dark chocolate chips to the dough for some extra yummy goodness.

The bread:

The recipe:

1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1/3 cup honey
3-4 mashed ripe bananas
(and 1/2 bag of dark chocolate chips)

Combine all dry ingredients except sugar
Cream the butter and sugar together, beat in eggs until combined, then beat in honey (all done in the amazing kitchen aid)
Beat in bananas and flour alternately
Add chocolate chips and put in all in your favorite loaf pan
Bake at 350 degrees for at least 50 minutes (it was about 60 in our oven) and enjoy!

And me at 37 weeks (on Mud Island):

Baking hiatus

So, I just found out I have gestational diabetes. Ugh...

I am surprised and trying not to spiral into thoughts of what did I do wrong to make this happen or how it might hurt the baby. I thought that I ate healthy (except for all those gingerbread cookies on Sunday) and although I haven't exercised as much as I did pre-pregnancy, I do exercise frequently.

I am trying to remember that it really is not the worst thing in the world. And I have been thinking a lot about pregnant women around the world who don't have access to prenatal care, or don't have enough food to eat, or have all sorts of other complications and challenges that threaten their health and the health of their children. I am truly blessed that while this stinks, everything should be fine. So, instead I turn my thoughts to those women and ways that I might be able to extend kindness and support to them.

In the meantime, there will be no baking. I hope everyone else enjoys their holiday treats!!

Christmas fun

It hasn't felt quite like Christmas yet this year, despite my playing Christmas music all of the time and the cold weather here in Memphis. Part of it is because we had to have Kintner Christmas at Thanksgiving because of family schedules and pregnancy travel restrictions, and part of it is because Will and I decided not to put up a tree this year because of travel, space, and time/money going to baby stuff.

So, I was very excited to have some friends over for Christmas fun yesterday to get the season started! What ensued was an afternoon of cookie baking (and eating), Grinch watching, hot chocolate drinking, and general silliness. I loved it and think that we have started a new Christmas tradition with our friends and their young kids (who will be 3 years and 1 year older than our little one).

It also made me excited for when I can start to bake and cook with our daughter... I don't know if it will be something she is interested in, but I hope she will love it like I do. I think there are so many things that you learn from working with food...how to be messy and how to clean up your mess, how to have a healthy relationship with food and understand where food comes from, math, science, language/literacy, creativity, culture, patience, not to mention having a good time together. I can't wait!

Here are some pictures of our Christmas adventure...complete with a John Deere tool belt! (Yes, we did use the tools while baking....a screwdriver to stir the dry ingredients together and a hammer to pound out the dough. We never did figure out how to use the pliers though!) We also made some very fun shapes...Grinches that looked like skeletons, bears that looked more like buffalo, and snakes that in Will's opinion looked like the Christmas poo from South Park.



(Also, I used the same gingerbread cookie recipe from two years ago, but this year I made them extra special by putting crushed peppermint on top - well, at least whatever pepppermint did not end up in my young friend's mouth.)

http://www.food.com/recipe/the-most-wonderful-gingerbread-cookies-80156

And for those of you who need a belly picture....here I am at 29 weeks and 2 days.