Remembering

As I feel our little girl kick inside me, I think back to this day last year, a day that was filled with grief for our family. We found out that morning that we had lost our first baby, whom we had nicknamed the manatee. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. After a day of horrible cramping and bleeding and a terrible, awful hosptial experience (no offense to my sisters and friends in the medical profession...but man did I hate that ER doctor), we were sent home to grieve.

And I grieve again today.

I grieve for that little one that we will never meet in person. That one we will never know.

I grieve for the loss of other little ones of family, friends, and strangers. My brothers-in-law both lost a niece or nephew last year. My college friends who were able to hold their son for just a few hours. The families in Newton whose children did not get to see last Christmas.

I grieve for the loss of children all over the world to disease, hunger, poverty, child trafficking, war, etc.

I know that this loss is a unfortunate part of life, but on days like today, all I can think of is that it is wrong. It is not supposed to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to lose children. Young children shouldn't have to lose their parents. Poverty, disease, and war shouldn't have such control in this world.

I have learned many things through the grieving process...but I think the most significant and hardest thing is to not try to brush the grief away or to pretend like there is a silver lining. Although it is important to find ways to move forward (eventually), I think we need to learn how to just be in our grief. We need to learn to not tell others who are grieving that "it was meant to be" or "it will be okay" when what we should really say is "that totally and completely sucks". We need to allow ourselves to be sad or angry or numb, if just for a while. We need to acknowledge that this kind of loss is not okay.

I hope that doing so humanizes all of us a little more and helps us remember our connections to each other. 

And so, in the midst of grief today, I remember our baby and our humanity. May we find in this grief and rememberance the vulnearability and openness that makes us human and connects us to one another.

I miss you little manatee.


 

The goodness of relationship

As an extrovert, I crave human interaction. Even after an exhausting week and a half of work, travel, sickness, and pregnancy in general, I want to be around people. I want to hear what is going on with them, have conversations (about both light and heavy subjects), share meals and laughter, and be reminded that I am not alone in this world, that we are supposed to be in relationship with one another.

Last weekend our little predator was showered with gifts for her arrival. In the midst of sea of pink and baby animals (I am seriously obsessed right now with baby animals), I was overcome by the relationships surrounding me...my mother and sisters who have known me and cared for me my whole life....my step-mother and church family who sheltered me in high school and gave me a place to flourish....my college dance professor and best college friends who have introduced me to new worlds and ways of thinking and being. I am so blessed and so happy to know that our little girl will have a slew of amazing women to look up to. I pray to that she will act as one of those amazing women, making her place in the world and being there for other women in her life.

This weekend, I was again reminded of the importance of relationship, although this time it is the relationship with my husband. After spending a week taking care of sick me, he has developed my cold. Despite this cold, he still got up this morning, drove to the store, and picked up a few ingredients to make a fun Sunday breakfast. I would love to say that my first response was gratitude for his thoughtfulness. But, it wasn't. It was grumpiness because his breakfast choice wasn't the healthiest (chocolate chip scones with regular white flour). I know at these times that I am projecting my own guilt onto him - I feel fat or unhealthy for whatever reason - and that I am finding fault - thinking he should eat more fruits and whole grains - in him, rather than just letting go of the guilt and need for perfection. [Editorial note by Will: Sunday morning breakfast should not be healthy. My chocolate-chip scone was delicious. For the record, I ate just one; Vicki ate two.]

But slowly, as we baked the scones together, coughing intermittently, and sat down to eat them and watch CBS Sunday Morning... I remembered. I remembered that I love him and am so grateful for him. [Damn straight!] I remembered that we balance each other out and that I have grown so much from being in relationship with him. I remembered that he makes me laugh. I remembered that I am excited to explore this parenting gig with him, knowing that when one of us can't do it, the other will step in.

Here's the recipe, from the King Author Flour website:

Here's your basic "start here" scone recipe. While this simple vanilla scone is delicious as is, it's also the perfect vehicle for your favorite add-ins; we happen to love dried cranberries and walnuts. Though chocolate chips are tempting, too!

       Dough

• 2 3/4 cups King Author Unbleached All-Purpose Flour
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 cup cold butter
• 1 cup to 2 cups chopped dried fruit, chocolate or other flavored chips, nuts, or a combination, optional
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract or the flavoring of your choice
• 1/2 cup to 2/3 cup half and half or mil
  

  Directions

  1) In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder.
  
  2) Work in the butter just until the mixture is unevenly crumbly; it's OK for some larger chunks of butter to remain unincorporated.
  
  3) Stir in the fruit, chips, and/or nuts, if you're using them.
  
  4) In a separate mixing bowl, whisk together the eggs, vanilla or other flavor, and half and half or milk.
  
  5) Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir until all is moistened and holds together.
  
  6) Line a baking sheet with parchment; if you don't have parchment, just use it without greasing it. Sprinkle a bit of flour atop the parchment or pan.
  
  7) Scrape the dough onto the floured parchment or pan, and divide it in half. Round each half into a 5" circle (if you haven't incorporated any add-ins); or a 6" circle (if you've added fruit, nuts, etc.). The circles should be about 3/4" thick.
  
  8) Brush each circle with milk, and sprinkle with coarse white sparkling sugar or cinnamon sugar, if desired.
  
  9) Using a knife or bench knife that you've run under cold water, slice each circle into 6 wedges.
  
  10) Carefully pull the wedges away from the center to separate them just a bit; there should be about 1/2" space between them, at their outer edges.
  
  11) For best texture and highest rise, place the pan of scones in the freezer for 30 minutes, uncovered. While the scones are chilling, preheat the oven to 425°F.
  
  12) Bake the scones for 20 to 25 minutes, or until they're golden brown. When you pull one away from the others, it should look baked all the way through; the edge shouldn't look wet or unbaked.

So, at the end of the day I am grateful for scones and relationships.

Pumpkin Chocolate (Melted) Chip Muffins

Ani DiFranco is hands downs my favorite musician. Although I love almost all of her songs, and I have several songs that correspond with particular times during my life (or the 12 years since I have discovered her awesomeness), there is one song in particular that is inspiring no matter when I hear it. I won't quote the whole thing, but here are some of my favorite lines...

i'm okay
if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay
in the right sort of light
and we don't look
like pages from a magazine
but that's all right
that's all right

we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i guess that's what they call character
i guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands

She ends the song saying "let's do it all imperfectly". Every time I hear it, it

helps me let go of the need to be perfect, reminding me that none of us are perfect 

and that life is a little more fun when things don't always go as planned. 

Which brings me to both pregnancy and baking...

I had always imagined that I would be that pregnant lady who is totally fit, going 

to spin class and running and looking generally amazing even with this gigantic

growing belly. While I have tried to keep up a semi-regular exercise routine during

pregnancy (I walk, do yoga, do light weights, and occasionally swim),  I am in no way 

that woman I imagined. I am still struggling with letting go of this expectation I 

had for myself, but as I do, as I remember to do things imperfectly, I feel a little

more free to enjoy the pregnancy and remember that my body is doing amazing things

(even if not training for a marathon). 

Here I am at 23 weeks!

In baking, I also have to remember to let go of expectations... 

Today, I baked pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. I discovered these amazing goodies

at Spring Garden Bakery in Greensboro (and still treat myself to one whenever I am 

in town). My friend Alisa shared her recipe with me, and I decided to finally give it

a whirl. It was all working perfectly until I made the mistake of putting my just 

out of the oven, homemade pumpkin puree (yes, I roast and puree my own pumpkin), into 

the bowl with the dark chocolate chips. This ended up making a big bowl of chocolatey, 

pumpkiny goodness, that turned into good tasting muffins. However, it did take away a

little bit from that moment when you take a bite and taste the pumpkin, then get a 

little burst of melty chocolate from the chip. So, were they perfect? No. But were they

yummy and did I eat two of them? Yes. I guess it works to do it all imperfectly and 

enjoy the results no matter what. 

Here is the recipe and a picture of my new version of pumpkin/chocolate muffins. 

3 cups all purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
2 Tablespoons pumpkin pie spice
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
1 can pumpkin (or two cups homemade puree)
1 c. melted butter
2 c. chocolate chips

Mix flour, sugar, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

In another bowl, mix egg, pumpkin, and butter.  Stir in chips.  Pour wet 

ingredients over dry and fold in until moistened.

You can either use muffin cups or grease the pan, either works.  

Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes.  Makes 24 muffins. 

Trust and Transitions

I have not posted since April, primarily because I haven't actually been baking as much. I have baked a few things over the past several months: some ginger cookies that were so gingery I could not eat them, some blueberry muffins (pictured below) that were good except that I had to use the all-purpose store bought white flour that I have now become a snob about not using, some brownies that were awesome and got eaten before there were pictures taken, and some burger rolls that I have made before.

The good news is that I have several big reasons for not baking...well, two big reasons. 1) William got a new job and so our chill summer quickly turned into a summer of moving craziness, and 2) I am preggo again (with a girl) and had knock-down, drag-out nausea and exhaustion from mid June to about mid August. Our summer ended up being a little bit more about surviving each day without killing each other, throwing up, or completely melting down because of stress and anxiety. (It really wasn't that bad, but I wouldn't characterize it as relaxing or fun.)

We have now been in Memphis almost two months which is crazy! We have mostly figured out our way around...to work, the grocery store, the park, some restaraunts, and even a church that we feel pretty good about. But the city still doesn't feel like home. I know that some of that is because we have actually been out of town a good bit (now that my family and friends are closer). However, I know that much of it is because we are now in the place where we have to do the hard work of actually getting involved, participating, and putting ourselves out there. Although I am very much an extroverted, people person, I am finding that it takes a lot of courage and energy to find and create community.

Which brings me to the idea of transitions... I talk about daily transitions in child care settings all of the time at work, but I don't know that I really take the time to reflect on other kinds of transitions. I am discovering that whatever the transition (new job, new city, new baby, new drive to be more purposeful and mindful), that it requires a lot of trust. Trust in myself, trust in my husband, trust that love is bigger than fear, trust that I am not alone in the good or the bad or the in-between in my life. I find myself wanting to trust in all of those things, and many times I do succeed in that, but trusting in general has never been my strong suit. I have always been a little skeptical...needing to figure out things on my own before I accept that something will work for me.

But here I am now, with all of these new transitions and what I am trying to take as new opportunities to learn trust and exhibit courage, to be brave and authentic and vulnearable and enthusiastic. To show this little girl growing inside me that this world is both scary and beautiful, and that each day is a new day to discover that world. So I pray that I can keep doing that each day, each moment.

And now I leave you with pictures of a growing belly and baby (and me learning to trust that my weight and body shape do not define me).

 12 weeks!

18 weeks

Baking mishaps

I heard an interesting story on NPR about 6 months ago. It was all about the importance of failure; how failure (if we let it) teaches us how to perservere and address our challenges in a way that eventually leads to success. In fact, we are more likely to be successful (and happier) if we have had to work through these difficulties on our way.

As a perfectionist in many aspects of life, I am grateful to hear that it is okay and even beneficial to make mistakes. This has been especially good to remember in my most recent baking efforts. The end product can be good without being perfect, and that the process of figuring out how to make that perfect loaf of bread may include a few ups and downs.

So here are a list of my recent baking mishaps...

1) The massive butter spill...

If you remember the lemon cupcakes I made for easter, you'll recall that the recipe includes two sticks of softened butter. I was impatient and wanted the butter to be softened more quickly than it would sitting out at room temperature, so I stuck it in the microwave. Twenty seconds later, I had a half-melted buttery soup to pour into the mixer. However, this soup didn't quite make it to the mixer. Instead, it made it to my feet and the floor turning it into a half-melted buttery mess. I set to cleaning it up, discovered that I could not get the greasy feeling out of the floor, and decided to sprinkle flour all over the floor to soak up the grease. At first, I was proud of myself for being resourceful and thinking outside the box. But by the end of all the baking, the floor, my feet, and my pants were covered. It took about 3 rounds of scrubbing the floor with soapy water and two launderings of my jeans to get it all out.

So, lesson learned... Be patient, let the butter soften on its own. 

2) The poor timing...

I also tried my hand at baking the perfect loaf of whole grain sandwich bread with my new bread baking recipe.

However, I also needed to make dinner for the night (which consisted of homemade multigrain rolls and homemade lentil/cauliflowers burgers with roasted red peppers and onions - inspired by a facebook post on my step-sister's page). Rather than break it up into manageable chuncks, I decided to do it all at the same time.

This turned into me mixing up recipes, forgetting what I was doing, only adding half the yeast to the bread recipe and then having to add more proofed yeast which meant needing to add more water and flour to the mix, and not timing the rising or the baking correctly. (It didn't help that everytime I stuck something in the oven, I did not even glance at the clock or think about using the timer.)

In the end, everything turned out okay, but probably not as good as it would have been if I would have stuck to one item at a time. I had to put the bread back into the oven twice after discovering tha the bottom wasn't fully cooked. The bread and rolls had good flavor, but not the right rise or texture. The burgers were good, but perhaps a little dry from cooking too long.

Lesson learned... Check your ambition, don't attack three new recipes at once. Oh, and remember to set some sort of timer!

The recipes: 

Lentil burgers and multi-grain rolls (http://www.veganricha.com/2013/03/red-lentil-cauliflower-burger-with.html). Here's the original...

 And here's my version...

Here are the original rolls (http://www.veganricha.com/2013/01/multigrain-bunsrolls-vegan-recipe.html):

 And here's my version...

And finally, the sandwich bread.

Before...

 And after...

Makes 2 loaves:

2 1/2 cups liquid (you can figure out your own mixture of hot water, buttermilk, or milk)
1 egg
4 cups whole wheat flour (variety of your choosing)
1/4 cup fat (the baking lady used butter, but since I had spilled all of the butter recently and not purchased more, I used olive oil. You can also use coconut oil.)
1/4 cup sweetner (I used honey, but you can use sugar, maple syrup, molasses, etc.)
2 Tbsp gluten
2 Tbsp soy lecithin
2 T yeast
1 extra cup flour (to use near the end; again a variety of your choosing)
1 Tbsp salt

Add all of the ingredients up to the salt and extra cup of flour in a mixer (the hot water combined with the cool milk or buttermilk makes the liquid the right temperature for the yeast). Blend with dough hook on speed 1. Slowly add the extra cup of flour until the dough starts to pull away from the sides. Cover and let the dough rest for 10 minutes (lets the flour start to soak up the moisture). Add the salt and knead on speed 2 for about five minutes. Take it out, hand knead a little, shape it, put it in a pan, and let it rise a little more. When you can poke your finger in the bread and it bounces back, the bread is ready to bake - 25 minutes at 350 degrees.

Enjoy your baking failures and successes!

March baking madness!!!

After about six months of not baking, I have been baking up a storm. (okay maybe not that much, but when you go from nothing to something it feels like a lot).

I have always enjoyed baking even though I would describe myself as just an occasional baker, but it was not until I started baking again this month that I discovered the healing nature of pouring, sifiting, mixing, creating something beatiful out of a mess. I didn't realize that I needed this type of creative healing, but I did.

In November, I had a miscarriage. After 11 weeks of pregnancy, we lost our little one. It was a devastating loss and still brings tears to my eyes. I spent much of November through February struggling through the grief process. Through the support of my wonderful husband, family, friends, (and of course my therapist), I can say that I have been able to start moving forward. A part of that process is getting back to the things that I love to do and finding small ways to participate in creating something (even if it is a simple loaf of bread).

So...here are some of the healing things I have baked in this month of healing as both the world and I spring back to life...

1. Banana bread...we have had bananas in the freezer for the longest time, so I finally put them to use with my mother's yummy recipe and my fancy new pan from Williams-Sonoma!

Banana Bread: 

3 ½ cup sifted flour 3 tsp. Baking powder 1 tsp. Salt 1 tsp. Baking soda 2 cups mashed bananas 2 tblsp. Lemon juice	¾ cups shortening 1 ½ cups sugar 3 eggs ¾ cup milk 1 tsp. Cinnamon 1 tsp. Nutmeg ½ nuts (if desired) - I don't put nuts in anything I bake because William and I both agree that such aggregates in sweet breads are gross (unless they are gooey raisins in cinnamon raisin bread)

Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, and baking soda. 

Combine banana and lemon juice.

Cream together shortening and sugar in bowl.  Add eggs and beat thoroughly until very light and fluffy.

Add dry ingredients alternately with milk; fold in bananas and nuts.  Beat after each addition.  Pour into 2 greased 8 ½ x 4 ½ x 2 ½ loaf pans.

Bake in 350* oven for 1 hour or until tested in the center and it comes out clean.  Cool in pans 10 minutes.  Remove from pans and cool until totally cool.  

Thanks Mom!!

2. Cupcake extravangaza...I helped to host a bridal shower and finally had a go at making cupcakes. I couldn't decide between the lemon and the chocolate, so I made both!

The chocolate recipe came from a Real Simple spread on baking and decorating cakes. I used a chocolate ganache frosting and topped with strawberries. The ganache is actually so much easier than it sounds; you just heat up cream (2 cups), drop in chopped dark chocolate (1 lb), add a pinch of salt, and stir until creamy (then let it sit for a few hours to thicken). There was even leftover ganache so Will and I had a little fruit and fondu party with it (so good!). 

The lemon recipe is a little more involved that the chocolate, probably because it came from Martha Stewart and I think she makes everything more complicated. The cupcakes turned out perfect, so I guess I should not complain. The key is that you make a lemony syrup and drizzle it over the cupcakes just after you take them out of the oven...so warm and gooey...mmmmmmm..... Also, the reviews said to use a different icing than Martha suggested, so I just turned a regular vanilla icing recipe into lemon by substituting the vanilla for fresh lemon juice.

Here are the recipes: 

Lemon cake: http://www.marthastewart.com/275613/lemon-cake-recipes/@center/276954/great-cake-recipes

Chocolate cake:

2 sticks unsalted butter (room temp)

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa poweder

2 cups flour

1 tsp each of baking power, baking soda, and salt

1 1/2 cups sugar

2 tsp vanilla

3 large eggs (room temp)

1 1/2 cups whole milk (we didn't have any of this so I used half and half)

Heat oven to 350.

Mix dry ingredients (except sugar) together in a bowl and set aside.

With an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar until fluffy (medium high for a couple of minutes), beat in vanilla and then the eggs one at a time.

Reduce speed and beat in the flour mixture and the milk (alternating flour, milk, flour, milk, flour). 

Pour into cupcake pan (lined or greased) and bake for about 20 minutes. 

3. Bread baking class

So I did not actually bake the bread during this class, but I did learn some good tips for making delicious whole wheat sandwhich bread (sorry, Will and I gobbled it up before we took any pictures).

*Use lecithin. I always thought this was one of those dangerous additives, but you can get organic soy lecithin which isn't so bad. Plus, you only add a very small amount and it helps to keep the bread moist. 

*Use a 50/50 mix of water and milk (or butter milk). Again, this is not necessary, but it helps with texture and moistness. I had been using just water.

*Use wheat gluten. I know that lots of people have difficulty digesting gluten, so you don't have to add this, but it improves the rise and texture of the bread, and you only need about a teaspoon per loaf. 

The teacher also used butter, eggs, and honey (instead of sugar), all of which help with moisture and texture. I also learned that you need more moisture in the recipe if you are using 100% whole wheat. Most of my bread recipes have just been flour, salt, yeast, water, and olive oil, which explains that while the flavor has been good, the texture and moistness have not been stellar. 

My plan for April is to play around with this recipe and see if I can make it my own. I want to try making it vegan (but not telling Will) and see if it is just as good. 

After all of this, I have found that once again I am grateful for the simple act of baking, a small act that helps me feel more connected to others and to life.

Tortillas...mmmm.....

I don't know how many of you have ever had authentic, homemade tortillas, but you should go out of your way to try them.

I first had homemade tortillas on a church trip to Mexico, and then again on a church trip to San Marcos, Texas. In both instances, we were helping to build or repair houses, and in both instances, someone from the neighborhood took the time, energy, and resources to make us the best tortillas and refried beans I have ever had. It has been almost 14 years since I have tasted these tortillas, but the memories are fresh in my mind and still mouth-watering.

I eat a lot of tortillas...for lunches I like to make hummus and veggie wraps, or eat my tofurkey like a hotdog wrapped in a tortilla (I know it might sound gross, but will some pickles and dijon mustard it is awesome). However, I am always trying to find ways to eat more organic and less processed food. While I do buy the whole wheat versions of the processed tortillas from the grocery store, they are still processed. So, I was really excited when I found homemade tortillas of all different kinds and flavors (jalapeno, rosemary, beet, spinach, whole wheat) at the local, organic, farmers' market! I bought the jalapeno ones and they were so frickin' good. William enjoyed them as well...until he saw the price tag (about double what the grocery store version costs). He very quickly nixed my idea of buying these tortillas every week for my lunches. (I will probably still buy them, just not as often!)

All of this made me think...hey, why not try and make some of these tortillas myself. I found the following recipe on-line: http://123recipes.com/Recipe/Authentic-Mexican-Tortillas/Detail (okay...so I can't find the original link that I used, but this site had the same recipe)

I use whole wheat flour instead of all purpose and olive oil instead of shortening, and end up with...

They looked pretty good and didn't taste terrible, but were no where near the scrumptious taste I remembered. In fact, these were a little bit too bread-y. The good news is that it doesn't actually take too long to make them, and they can store in the fridge for a few days.

I am going to try again with a different recipe...I have found a few that used less oil that might be good. This link looks pretty good and has pictures for each step along the way...http://tastykitchen.com/blog/2012/03/homemade-tortillas/

The one thing to remember is that it is best to use a cast iron skillet for tortillas; it can get nice and hot and helps to make those fantastic little air bubbles in the tortillas.

Mmmmm...