As I feel our little girl kick inside me, I think back to this day last year, a day that was filled with grief for our family. We found out that morning that we had lost our first baby, whom we had nicknamed the manatee. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. After a day of horrible cramping and bleeding and a terrible, awful hosptial experience (no offense to my sisters and friends in the medical profession...but man did I hate that ER doctor), we were sent home to grieve.
And I grieve again today.
I grieve for that little one that we will never meet in person. That one we will never know.
I grieve for the loss of other little ones of family, friends, and strangers. My brothers-in-law both lost a niece or nephew last year. My college friends who were able to hold their son for just a few hours. The families in Newton whose children did not get to see last Christmas.
I grieve for the loss of children all over the world to disease, hunger, poverty, child trafficking, war, etc.
I know that this loss is a unfortunate part of life, but on days like today, all I can think of is that it is wrong. It is not supposed to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to lose children. Young children shouldn't have to lose their parents. Poverty, disease, and war shouldn't have such control in this world.
I have learned many things through the grieving process...but I think the most significant and hardest thing is to not try to brush the grief away or to pretend like there is a silver lining. Although it is important to find ways to move forward (eventually), I think we need to learn how to just be in our grief. We need to learn to not tell others who are grieving that "it was meant to be" or "it will be okay" when what we should really say is "that totally and completely sucks". We need to allow ourselves to be sad or angry or numb, if just for a while. We need to acknowledge that this kind of loss is not okay.
I hope that doing so humanizes all of us a little more and helps us remember our connections to each other.
And so, in the midst of grief today, I remember our baby and our humanity. May we find in this grief and rememberance the vulnearability and openness that makes us human and connects us to one another.
I miss you little manatee.
And I grieve again today.
I grieve for that little one that we will never meet in person. That one we will never know.
I grieve for the loss of other little ones of family, friends, and strangers. My brothers-in-law both lost a niece or nephew last year. My college friends who were able to hold their son for just a few hours. The families in Newton whose children did not get to see last Christmas.
I grieve for the loss of children all over the world to disease, hunger, poverty, child trafficking, war, etc.
I know that this loss is a unfortunate part of life, but on days like today, all I can think of is that it is wrong. It is not supposed to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to lose children. Young children shouldn't have to lose their parents. Poverty, disease, and war shouldn't have such control in this world.
I have learned many things through the grieving process...but I think the most significant and hardest thing is to not try to brush the grief away or to pretend like there is a silver lining. Although it is important to find ways to move forward (eventually), I think we need to learn how to just be in our grief. We need to learn to not tell others who are grieving that "it was meant to be" or "it will be okay" when what we should really say is "that totally and completely sucks". We need to allow ourselves to be sad or angry or numb, if just for a while. We need to acknowledge that this kind of loss is not okay.
I hope that doing so humanizes all of us a little more and helps us remember our connections to each other.
And so, in the midst of grief today, I remember our baby and our humanity. May we find in this grief and rememberance the vulnearability and openness that makes us human and connects us to one another.
I miss you little manatee.
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