The troublemaker

Will and I can both be a bit rebellious. Not in a rebel without a cause dangerous way, but in a we have to figure out things for our selves and are drawn towards different perspectives way. Will jokes about how he wants to get that phone call or talk from a teacher when our child breaks down the teachers argument or stands by her dissenting opinion. And he is not afriad to voice his own opinions and arguments; he is a rhetorician, after all. I am a little impulsive, don't like to do something simply because others are doing it or because someone told me to, and have a soft spot in my heart for those who go against the grain.

So it makes sense that we seem to have a trouble-making baby on our hands already. At 37 and 38 weeks, this girl was still breech. We had a c-section scheduled this coming week and family ready to come visit, and were just counting down the days. However, when I went in for my regular check-up today (at 39 weeks), the little rebel had flipped, changing all of our plans and doing things her way.

The c-section is now canceled, family are postponed a bit, and I am trying to prepare myself mentally for labor (and trying to move things along so that we don't go too much past 40 weeks). Oh goodness, I think we are in for a ride.

Banana bread and breech babies

I know we aren't actually parents yet, but I have decided that pregnancy prepares you for life with a little one.

I drip food on my belly all of the time, so I am ready to be covered in spit up.
I confess that pregnancy gas is the worst of all time, so I am used to some unpleasant smells.
I haven't had a solid night of sleep since the first trimester, so here comes the exhaustion.
I am uncomfortable sitting, standing, and lying down, and I get kicked all of the time, so bring on the child attached to my body all of the time. 
After all of the doctor appointments, dressing and undressing, and hands everywhere, I am ready for the lack of privacy/modesty.

I know there is more to it all, but I think we are now as ready as we are going to be. Which is good, because she could be here in about 10 days!

We have found out that she is breech, so now we are just waiting to hear about the c-section date. People have asked if I am okay with this, and honestly, Will and I both love that we will know when she is coming and can plan family visits and work a little more smoothly. (I am sure I might feel different after the surgery, but right now, it sounds like a good plan.) At the end of the day, we just want her delivered safely.

In other news, our upstairs neighbors just had a baby, so I took the opportunity to bake some banana bread. It was a wee bit gooey in the middle (because I kept getting impatient and taking it out of the oven too early), but was still pretty tasty...especially because I added dark chocolate chips to the dough for some extra yummy goodness.

The bread:

The recipe:

1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1/3 cup honey
3-4 mashed ripe bananas
(and 1/2 bag of dark chocolate chips)

Combine all dry ingredients except sugar
Cream the butter and sugar together, beat in eggs until combined, then beat in honey (all done in the amazing kitchen aid)
Beat in bananas and flour alternately
Add chocolate chips and put in all in your favorite loaf pan
Bake at 350 degrees for at least 50 minutes (it was about 60 in our oven) and enjoy!

And me at 37 weeks (on Mud Island):

Baking hiatus

So, I just found out I have gestational diabetes. Ugh...

I am surprised and trying not to spiral into thoughts of what did I do wrong to make this happen or how it might hurt the baby. I thought that I ate healthy (except for all those gingerbread cookies on Sunday) and although I haven't exercised as much as I did pre-pregnancy, I do exercise frequently.

I am trying to remember that it really is not the worst thing in the world. And I have been thinking a lot about pregnant women around the world who don't have access to prenatal care, or don't have enough food to eat, or have all sorts of other complications and challenges that threaten their health and the health of their children. I am truly blessed that while this stinks, everything should be fine. So, instead I turn my thoughts to those women and ways that I might be able to extend kindness and support to them.

In the meantime, there will be no baking. I hope everyone else enjoys their holiday treats!!

Christmas fun

It hasn't felt quite like Christmas yet this year, despite my playing Christmas music all of the time and the cold weather here in Memphis. Part of it is because we had to have Kintner Christmas at Thanksgiving because of family schedules and pregnancy travel restrictions, and part of it is because Will and I decided not to put up a tree this year because of travel, space, and time/money going to baby stuff.

So, I was very excited to have some friends over for Christmas fun yesterday to get the season started! What ensued was an afternoon of cookie baking (and eating), Grinch watching, hot chocolate drinking, and general silliness. I loved it and think that we have started a new Christmas tradition with our friends and their young kids (who will be 3 years and 1 year older than our little one).

It also made me excited for when I can start to bake and cook with our daughter... I don't know if it will be something she is interested in, but I hope she will love it like I do. I think there are so many things that you learn from working with food...how to be messy and how to clean up your mess, how to have a healthy relationship with food and understand where food comes from, math, science, language/literacy, creativity, culture, patience, not to mention having a good time together. I can't wait!

Here are some pictures of our Christmas adventure...complete with a John Deere tool belt! (Yes, we did use the tools while baking....a screwdriver to stir the dry ingredients together and a hammer to pound out the dough. We never did figure out how to use the pliers though!) We also made some very fun shapes...Grinches that looked like skeletons, bears that looked more like buffalo, and snakes that in Will's opinion looked like the Christmas poo from South Park.



(Also, I used the same gingerbread cookie recipe from two years ago, but this year I made them extra special by putting crushed peppermint on top - well, at least whatever pepppermint did not end up in my young friend's mouth.)

http://www.food.com/recipe/the-most-wonderful-gingerbread-cookies-80156

And for those of you who need a belly picture....here I am at 29 weeks and 2 days. 

Remembering

As I feel our little girl kick inside me, I think back to this day last year, a day that was filled with grief for our family. We found out that morning that we had lost our first baby, whom we had nicknamed the manatee. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant, but the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. After a day of horrible cramping and bleeding and a terrible, awful hosptial experience (no offense to my sisters and friends in the medical profession...but man did I hate that ER doctor), we were sent home to grieve.

And I grieve again today.

I grieve for that little one that we will never meet in person. That one we will never know.

I grieve for the loss of other little ones of family, friends, and strangers. My brothers-in-law both lost a niece or nephew last year. My college friends who were able to hold their son for just a few hours. The families in Newton whose children did not get to see last Christmas.

I grieve for the loss of children all over the world to disease, hunger, poverty, child trafficking, war, etc.

I know that this loss is a unfortunate part of life, but on days like today, all I can think of is that it is wrong. It is not supposed to be this way. Parents shouldn't have to lose children. Young children shouldn't have to lose their parents. Poverty, disease, and war shouldn't have such control in this world.

I have learned many things through the grieving process...but I think the most significant and hardest thing is to not try to brush the grief away or to pretend like there is a silver lining. Although it is important to find ways to move forward (eventually), I think we need to learn how to just be in our grief. We need to learn to not tell others who are grieving that "it was meant to be" or "it will be okay" when what we should really say is "that totally and completely sucks". We need to allow ourselves to be sad or angry or numb, if just for a while. We need to acknowledge that this kind of loss is not okay.

I hope that doing so humanizes all of us a little more and helps us remember our connections to each other. 

And so, in the midst of grief today, I remember our baby and our humanity. May we find in this grief and rememberance the vulnearability and openness that makes us human and connects us to one another.

I miss you little manatee.


 

The goodness of relationship

As an extrovert, I crave human interaction. Even after an exhausting week and a half of work, travel, sickness, and pregnancy in general, I want to be around people. I want to hear what is going on with them, have conversations (about both light and heavy subjects), share meals and laughter, and be reminded that I am not alone in this world, that we are supposed to be in relationship with one another.

Last weekend our little predator was showered with gifts for her arrival. In the midst of sea of pink and baby animals (I am seriously obsessed right now with baby animals), I was overcome by the relationships surrounding me...my mother and sisters who have known me and cared for me my whole life....my step-mother and church family who sheltered me in high school and gave me a place to flourish....my college dance professor and best college friends who have introduced me to new worlds and ways of thinking and being. I am so blessed and so happy to know that our little girl will have a slew of amazing women to look up to. I pray to that she will act as one of those amazing women, making her place in the world and being there for other women in her life.

This weekend, I was again reminded of the importance of relationship, although this time it is the relationship with my husband. After spending a week taking care of sick me, he has developed my cold. Despite this cold, he still got up this morning, drove to the store, and picked up a few ingredients to make a fun Sunday breakfast. I would love to say that my first response was gratitude for his thoughtfulness. But, it wasn't. It was grumpiness because his breakfast choice wasn't the healthiest (chocolate chip scones with regular white flour). I know at these times that I am projecting my own guilt onto him - I feel fat or unhealthy for whatever reason - and that I am finding fault - thinking he should eat more fruits and whole grains - in him, rather than just letting go of the guilt and need for perfection. [Editorial note by Will: Sunday morning breakfast should not be healthy. My chocolate-chip scone was delicious. For the record, I ate just one; Vicki ate two.]

But slowly, as we baked the scones together, coughing intermittently, and sat down to eat them and watch CBS Sunday Morning... I remembered. I remembered that I love him and am so grateful for him. [Damn straight!] I remembered that we balance each other out and that I have grown so much from being in relationship with him. I remembered that he makes me laugh. I remembered that I am excited to explore this parenting gig with him, knowing that when one of us can't do it, the other will step in.

Here's the recipe, from the King Author Flour website:

Here's your basic "start here" scone recipe. While this simple vanilla scone is delicious as is, it's also the perfect vehicle for your favorite add-ins; we happen to love dried cranberries and walnuts. Though chocolate chips are tempting, too!

       Dough

• 2 3/4 cups King Author Unbleached All-Purpose Flour
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 cup cold butter
• 1 cup to 2 cups chopped dried fruit, chocolate or other flavored chips, nuts, or a combination, optional
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract or the flavoring of your choice
• 1/2 cup to 2/3 cup half and half or mil
  

  Directions

  1) In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder.
  
  2) Work in the butter just until the mixture is unevenly crumbly; it's OK for some larger chunks of butter to remain unincorporated.
  
  3) Stir in the fruit, chips, and/or nuts, if you're using them.
  
  4) In a separate mixing bowl, whisk together the eggs, vanilla or other flavor, and half and half or milk.
  
  5) Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir until all is moistened and holds together.
  
  6) Line a baking sheet with parchment; if you don't have parchment, just use it without greasing it. Sprinkle a bit of flour atop the parchment or pan.
  
  7) Scrape the dough onto the floured parchment or pan, and divide it in half. Round each half into a 5" circle (if you haven't incorporated any add-ins); or a 6" circle (if you've added fruit, nuts, etc.). The circles should be about 3/4" thick.
  
  8) Brush each circle with milk, and sprinkle with coarse white sparkling sugar or cinnamon sugar, if desired.
  
  9) Using a knife or bench knife that you've run under cold water, slice each circle into 6 wedges.
  
  10) Carefully pull the wedges away from the center to separate them just a bit; there should be about 1/2" space between them, at their outer edges.
  
  11) For best texture and highest rise, place the pan of scones in the freezer for 30 minutes, uncovered. While the scones are chilling, preheat the oven to 425°F.
  
  12) Bake the scones for 20 to 25 minutes, or until they're golden brown. When you pull one away from the others, it should look baked all the way through; the edge shouldn't look wet or unbaked.

So, at the end of the day I am grateful for scones and relationships.

Pumpkin Chocolate (Melted) Chip Muffins

Ani DiFranco is hands downs my favorite musician. Although I love almost all of her songs, and I have several songs that correspond with particular times during my life (or the 12 years since I have discovered her awesomeness), there is one song in particular that is inspiring no matter when I hear it. I won't quote the whole thing, but here are some of my favorite lines...

i'm okay
if you get me at a good angle
and you're okay
in the right sort of light
and we don't look
like pages from a magazine
but that's all right
that's all right

we get a little further from perfection
each year on the road
i guess that's what they call character
i guess that's just the way it goes
better to be dusty than polished
like some store window mannequin
why don't you touch me where i'm rusty
let me stain your hands

She ends the song saying "let's do it all imperfectly". Every time I hear it, it

helps me let go of the need to be perfect, reminding me that none of us are perfect 

and that life is a little more fun when things don't always go as planned. 

Which brings me to both pregnancy and baking...

I had always imagined that I would be that pregnant lady who is totally fit, going 

to spin class and running and looking generally amazing even with this gigantic

growing belly. While I have tried to keep up a semi-regular exercise routine during

pregnancy (I walk, do yoga, do light weights, and occasionally swim),  I am in no way 

that woman I imagined. I am still struggling with letting go of this expectation I 

had for myself, but as I do, as I remember to do things imperfectly, I feel a little

more free to enjoy the pregnancy and remember that my body is doing amazing things

(even if not training for a marathon). 

Here I am at 23 weeks!

In baking, I also have to remember to let go of expectations... 

Today, I baked pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. I discovered these amazing goodies

at Spring Garden Bakery in Greensboro (and still treat myself to one whenever I am 

in town). My friend Alisa shared her recipe with me, and I decided to finally give it

a whirl. It was all working perfectly until I made the mistake of putting my just 

out of the oven, homemade pumpkin puree (yes, I roast and puree my own pumpkin), into 

the bowl with the dark chocolate chips. This ended up making a big bowl of chocolatey, 

pumpkiny goodness, that turned into good tasting muffins. However, it did take away a

little bit from that moment when you take a bite and taste the pumpkin, then get a 

little burst of melty chocolate from the chip. So, were they perfect? No. But were they

yummy and did I eat two of them? Yes. I guess it works to do it all imperfectly and 

enjoy the results no matter what. 

Here is the recipe and a picture of my new version of pumpkin/chocolate muffins. 

3 cups all purpose flour
2 cups granulated sugar
2 Tablespoons pumpkin pie spice
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
1 can pumpkin (or two cups homemade puree)
1 c. melted butter
2 c. chocolate chips

Mix flour, sugar, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

In another bowl, mix egg, pumpkin, and butter.  Stir in chips.  Pour wet 

ingredients over dry and fold in until moistened.

You can either use muffin cups or grease the pan, either works.  

Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes.  Makes 24 muffins.