Sleep(less)

In my infant development class in grad school, we read an article about different cultural approaches to babies' sleep. I remember loving the idea of letting babies stay with the parents and family members and letting them sleep when they were tired wherever they happened to be. And then I promptly forgot about that study as infant sleep was not a primary area of interest for me.

It is now what I think about most...

I have read 5 sleep books (all of which have different advice), I have spoken with a sleep consultant (that is a real thing, people), and I have had numerous conversations with friends and with William.

I don't know what to do. 

At 7 pm when I put her in her bed, I think about how precious she is and immediately go to gaze at her on the monitor.

At 7:30 pm when she wakes up, I think "Why in the world are you awake? Can't I at least eat dinner and take a shower?"

At 9 pm when we stop trying to put her in her own room and snuggle into bed together, I inhale her baby lotion scent, and I wish to cuddle with her forever.

At 6 am after co-sleeping with her and waking for feedings at 11 pm, 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am, I want nothing more than for her to sleep through the night in her own bed.

And during the rest of the day, I wonder why she will not take longer than a 45 minute nap.

I don't know what to do.

I hear other parents talking about how after one week of hell, the cry it out method worked wonders. But then we let her for 5 minutes and all I can think of is how alone she must feel and how terrible we must be. 

I read about "no-cry sleep solutions" and I just get even more tired.

I think, I will just co-sleep and nurse until she is bigger, but then I think that I will never have a good night's sleep again.

I think the most important thing is that she sleeps. Then I think, the most important thing is that she learns to self-soothe and self-regulate. Then I think, the most important thing is that she knows we are there for her. 

I don't know what to do.

I think about parents with sick children or who have lost children and how they would love to have a "normal" night of just waking up for night feedings.

I think about parents who work 100+ hours a week and then get up in the middle of the night with their babes.

And I feel guilty for being so tired and so lost.

And I don't know what to do.

It will come, right? Eventually we will all sleep through the night? Eventually Will and I will be able to lift ourselves out of the new parent fog? Right?

Oh, please say it will.